I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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