I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
