Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
