I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
