I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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