my mouth tastes like poor choices
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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