yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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