Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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