I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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