i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
