I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Randomize
