Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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