I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
