Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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