I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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