we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
