My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Be still, my beating vagina.
Let's paint friendship bongs
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize