Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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