Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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