and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
me + whiskey = a bad person
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
