you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize