you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
