How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
