'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
