you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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