i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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