i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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