Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
