so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
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