@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
