spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
not ubering you a puppy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize