Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
