do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
