i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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