no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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