fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Come on in and take your pants off
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