Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize