i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
