Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Floor bacon is actually really good
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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