if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
