The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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