First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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