So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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