This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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