Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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