Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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