I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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