Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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