I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
