get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
