Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Pants are for mortals
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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