hotel room ftw
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
