How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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