i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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