Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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