theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
