happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You may now shotgun with the bride
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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