The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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