i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
