Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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