I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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