I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
false alarm, still single
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
