i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
