Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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