loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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