how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
