Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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