i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
