I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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