Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
