I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
