Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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