I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
