You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
