I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
