she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
