Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
