wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
